Having a Nice guy syndrome can be a pain in the ass if you want success in life. Most guys are trained by society, parents, and school to be polite, nice and respectful to everything and everyone. And there is absolutely nothing wrong about that. The problem starts in your life when you start prioritizing needs and wishes of others above yours. As well core problem with being a Nice guy is a high level of agreeableness.
People with a high level of agreeableness have a tendency to agree on things that they really do not agree with or would like to do. They have a huge problem with saying “no” or to fight for their opinions and rights. This is especially visible in dating and business, where less agreeable people have much better results. That is the core reason why Badboys and “jerks”, are getting laid so much more. See, women have their idea and plan how meeting and dating a guy should look like. They have their dreams, their plans… And usually is something around that guy has to take them on lots of dates, spend a good amount of money, attention, energy and time to her before she decides should she sleep with him or not. Most women are very short-sighted and self-centered on dating and are looking for only “what they are getting out from it’ part of equalization.
Now if you are a high agreeable person, of course by default you will have an urge and need to make that person happy by trying to fulfill her dreams/wishes. This is where nice guys fall into the trap. They end up spending time, money, energy and get nothing in return. The nice guy will go along with other person programs because he wants to avoid arguments, fights, personality clashes and has a deep need to make that person happy in the first place hoping that person will reciprocal.“If I buy her all the things she wants and do things she likes, she will give me sex”. Badboys, “jerks” and other stereotypes of less agreeable personas, will have zero needs to fulfill her plans or dreams, but will focus on getting what they want ( in this case sex), and then in the end, if she was good enough they will reward her with what she wants / needs. His needs and plans come first!
Nice guy test :
You invite a girl over text to a date ( coffee or something like that), and she says yes but that she would like to go to a Zoo. What do you do?
Situation 2 :
You invite a girl to date, and she asks can she bring her best friend (girlfriend) along?
Highly agreeable people aka Nice guys, will agree to such requests just to not hurt her feelings and hoping she will like him because he’s doing what she likes and wants.
One of the worst nice guy stories I heard in my life was following: She wants to go to Paris, guy buys a ticket for 2 of them for Valentine’s day, books a nice hotel. All good, she is very happy and can’t wait to go. FYI they have been dating for few months, still no sex. So situation: They arrive in Paris, take taxi, go to hotel and on check-in in the nice lobby she freaks out and starts drama because he booked a room with one big bed. ( assuming sex). He bends under pressure in the lobby ( drama) and pays for an additional room for her. Of course, this was a nightmare trip, and he got nothing out from it. That act of paying for separate room was the end of their relationship.
My way or Highway!
For a comparison, very similar situation, during some Bootcamp in Amsterdam 2005’, I was staying in a really nice hotel ( 5 stars). The weekend before I have spent with some Playboy bunny girl in Russia. A weekend full of sex. So while in Amsterdam was thinking would be cool to see her again. Next thing you know she was flying the next morning to Amsterdam… After spending a really cool day, evening in Spa, we ended up in the room. She starts playing hard to get refusing any sexual activity. reason: she tried to get back control over the relationship. She tried to get me to jump around her doing everything like all other AFC guys, praying for sex. After 20min of drama, I gave up from negotiation and decided to kick her out of hotel room. Total waste of my time. Being too loud eventually hotel security kicked her out from a hotel.
Jerk style on Max. Zero tolerance for agreeableness!
Result: hour later, she calls promising me best sex ever, blowjobs till morning, whatever I want if I allow her to get back to the room.
Of course, this both stories are opposed sides of the coin and very extreme of both situations.I don’t advice you behave anything like in these 2 extreme stories, You have to find balance, somewhere in the middle or level that works best for you.
I debriefed this situation a few days later, asked her about it, and her explanation was that she wanted to see can she control me with sex. My reading of situation and reaction was a spot on.
How to kill Niceguy inside you?
1) Start small. Start disagreeing with people in daily life more often, start saying NO to their ideas and offers.
2) Start placing yourself on top of decision making. Ask yourself regularly: Will this make me happy, is this good for me, Do I want to do it, is this right for me? This will shift the decision-making process from the focus on satisfying them to satisfy yourself.
3) Start caring less what others think of you. Accept that you cannot make everyone happy, some will love you some won’t. People who hate you, disagree with you are an excellent sign you are doing something right. Therefore create some enemies.
4) Engage yourself in a verbal disagreement often, stand for and defend your beliefs and views, fight for them.
Nice guys are easy to manipulate with them and get them to do things they don’t like doing. Which creates permanent feeling of frustration. Which is overall bad energy for your well-being. Its really funny but people will like you and respect you more if you respect yourself, your beliefs, views, personality.